I was walking down the street just below my apartment last evening. When I spotted a cyclist, a guy aged around 32-34 speeding fast on the road, towards me. A few seconds before he could pass by me, I noticed he extended his left hand. Yes. My common sense told me he was planning to touch me and then flee from the scene in a jiffy before I could gather what happened to me. So before he reached me, I ducked. He was taken by surprise and tried harder to reach me, slowed down, drifted off balance a little and even called out a filthy word for me. That was more than I could take. In an impulse reaction I punched his body, that very second. He fell off his cycle. I reached him and kicked him once more right in his tummy. With super pointed, high heels. He yelled out in pain. All of this happened within 15-20 seconds I think. The auto drivers who were standing there gathered around me. He started apologizing. The auto drivers started beating him up. And calling names in return. I actually left the scene without letting anyone know. Somehow I was okay about having punched him and kicked him for the brazen attempt of his. People might not like it that I didn't call the police, specially with the way everyone just wants to hang anyone who dares to touch a woman. But somehow I just didn't feel the need at that moment. I don't say he might never repeat the incident with someone else. But he did learn a lesson that he can't always get away with doing something like this. A girl can actually turn back and injure him. (And that high, pointed heels aren't just the objects that makes me look like a doll. They can inflict real pain.)
I was just walking down a street, on my way home, without a guy next to me, in my office attire, at around 8 pm on a busy Mumbai street. I didn't provoke him. He went for the sport and fun anyway.
This incident did provoke me though. It made me want to finally vent out. Because the scenario frustrates me. This hue and cry around the "treatment towards women". I am fed up of listening to news channels creating hype around it. I totally understand the fury of those women out there who are protesting, though. I know they want to express their frustration in their own way, perhaps. That barbarian crime was beyond anything I could imagine happening to a person. It triggered reactions. And the law and order set up needs to be challenged. Government needs to be woken up. It required revolts and questions. But in totality, whatever is happening today, the blame games, the observation on which politician said what about rape, I feel it's only creating more noise, nothing else. It frustrates me. I can explain why.
In my journey till date as a woman, I have come face to face with the mentality that shapes this patriarchal society. Found people who believed education ruins women. They should just be married off at an early age so that they can they can stay "controlled". I also met a guy, a so called educated guy who told me once how it wasn't okay with him that his present girl friend had had a relationship earlier in life whereas he never had any. And you know, it's actually opposing the norms of the society where in fact it's okay if the guy has a relationship history, but a woman generally is judged if she does. I remember the time when my class mates started rumors about my ass-licking (and other) abilities, when I topped my class. Because you know, that's the only explanation for a woman being a topper. I have faced times when I was judged because I sat with a few friends of mine in a restaurant who ordered alcohol for themselves. THEY had alcohol. I didn't. I just sat with them, that too for 15-20 minutes. Because I had to wait for another friend of mine to go shopping with. And I felt it was better to wait in a restaurant with my other friends instead of waiting outside all alone. There was an uproar around this episode in my circle. I was suddenly the "wrong" type. A woman who didn't mind spending 20 minutes with guys who were her friends, and were having alcohol in a restaurant in broad day light. I am a friendly, outgoing, independent girl. You know what that means, right? It's not practically possible for me to have remained "untouched" till now. Yes. That's exactly what most of them think about girls who are capable of standing their ground or are of brash, extrovert, frank nature. Dignity and outgoing nature don't go hand in hand, in this society. That's only a rough outline of the sick attitude I witness all the time.
Women are considered as things most of the times. I am not even exaggerating. Because whistling at women is fun. The idea of teasing is fun. The idea of calling out names is fun. I remember my own friends in college days who would manoeuvre through the navratri ground just waiting for the chance for an occasional boob press by catching a fellow woman garba player off guard amidst the chaos and rush. "Maal", "Item" are words that exist in a day to day language by one and all. The worst expletives include the reference to ones mothers and sisters. Then why the surprise when a few people out there have openly told what can only be passed as the reality of this society. That's how we all think.
Also, very importantly, why only blame men. Is it just their fault that their mentality is rotten beyond repair? Who exactly is a boy most influenced with when he is growing up? His mother. A son respects his mother the most in this world and puts her word above all. So who has the power to instill the best of principles in him? Yes, most of the patriarchal and the "MCP" attitude is also flown down through generations by the women of the family themselves. So let's not become that blind sighted by the outrage everywhere that we forget how we ourselves are responsible for the outcome we face today. If you don't get my point, just for a second out there, imagine a man. Let me tell you his characteristics.
He is gentle, he is soft spoken. Believes in tackling issues sensibly instead of getting all temperamental. Doesn't really participate in his fellow mates' activities like eve teasing or talking dirty about female co-workers or flirting with them. Doesn't use lewd language. Is really calm and compassionate to his wife and doesn't believe in dominating her, treats her very nicely. Believes in equality of men and women and follows it too. Can actually well up when he is emotional and overwhelmed. Willingly lends his hand in house hold work and helps his wife/mother in the same.
What ideas come to your mind about this guy? There will be people, men and women alike, who will call him gay on his face or on his back. (Homo phobia, yet another mind block our society suffers from. More on that, perhaps some other day.) His friends will tell him, "Mard ban". People will make fun of him for being a hen-pecked husband. His family will be worried for him and nag him for being too non-manly. Because real men don't cry. Real men don't listen to girls. Real men do flirt. This mentality. This belief system. It's all around us. Try pointing out an obnoxious behavior by a co-worker in the form of a dirty comment or showcasing filthy mind-set, what do you get the hear the most? "Come on, take it easy, men will be men." And they will say that with that confident smirk on their faces. As if they are reminding you, that in this society, men get to do what they want to do. Even if it means being ridiculous and over the line. That's the way they have been brought up. And women of their families are equally responsible for highlighting that as a fact. Guys are told by their own mothers to keep their wives in control. They are told by their own parents to not learn house hold work because it's not a man's job. They are told to never cry because that's just being sissy.
A soft spoken, non-violent and sweet tempered man is considered abnormal in our society. As if he doesn't fit. Life can be tough for such men. He will be mocked at, made fun of and ridiculed beyond all extents till the time he gives in. And hence, such men don't exist. That's the bifurcation of our society. Men are meant to adopt "Mardaangi" and women are meant to adopt "Maryaada." There. That's the answer.
And I can't point it out enough that both men and women of this society are responsible that this though process exists. I won't ever blame just men for the same.
Reading into what every politician speaks about rape is giving them undue importance. Discussing how a religious preacher (preacher, he ain't a leader) reacted, is making him feel we listened to him. And what are we doing. Every day finding one person or the other to point our fingers at. To blame. And discuss it as a hot topic. I wonder if anyone wants to see the naked truth of this problem. The devil resides inside all of us. We're all infected. Every little fragment of our society needs repairing. And although the other things might get fixed if persisted upon a lot, this aspect won't get repaired no matter how many laws you implement.
That's why this commotion frustrates me. Sitting on your work stations, sharing pictures, news links and doing absolutely nothing at all about the real problems. Having heated arguments. And at the end of the day, going back to your homes and thinking on the same lines you thought on yesterday is basically, doing NOTHING.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
These are strange, volatile times. Women have almost started to believe that men are born rapists. If they aren't leering at you, molesting you, groping you or raping you, it's just them suppressing their natural instinct. That instinct will come alive at the slightest of provocation. Men are being forced to prove their open attitude else be categorized as one of "them". Yes, the reason I was aware of that man's intentions on the road last night was that my mind told me to be on my guards even when I am walking down a busy road, because there will be men there too. The times for women to feel unsafe all the time, and men to be ashamed of themselves. These are not good times.
I was just walking down a street, on my way home, without a guy next to me, in my office attire, at around 8 pm on a busy Mumbai street. I didn't provoke him. He went for the sport and fun anyway.
This incident did provoke me though. It made me want to finally vent out. Because the scenario frustrates me. This hue and cry around the "treatment towards women". I am fed up of listening to news channels creating hype around it. I totally understand the fury of those women out there who are protesting, though. I know they want to express their frustration in their own way, perhaps. That barbarian crime was beyond anything I could imagine happening to a person. It triggered reactions. And the law and order set up needs to be challenged. Government needs to be woken up. It required revolts and questions. But in totality, whatever is happening today, the blame games, the observation on which politician said what about rape, I feel it's only creating more noise, nothing else. It frustrates me. I can explain why.
In my journey till date as a woman, I have come face to face with the mentality that shapes this patriarchal society. Found people who believed education ruins women. They should just be married off at an early age so that they can they can stay "controlled". I also met a guy, a so called educated guy who told me once how it wasn't okay with him that his present girl friend had had a relationship earlier in life whereas he never had any. And you know, it's actually opposing the norms of the society where in fact it's okay if the guy has a relationship history, but a woman generally is judged if she does. I remember the time when my class mates started rumors about my ass-licking (and other) abilities, when I topped my class. Because you know, that's the only explanation for a woman being a topper. I have faced times when I was judged because I sat with a few friends of mine in a restaurant who ordered alcohol for themselves. THEY had alcohol. I didn't. I just sat with them, that too for 15-20 minutes. Because I had to wait for another friend of mine to go shopping with. And I felt it was better to wait in a restaurant with my other friends instead of waiting outside all alone. There was an uproar around this episode in my circle. I was suddenly the "wrong" type. A woman who didn't mind spending 20 minutes with guys who were her friends, and were having alcohol in a restaurant in broad day light. I am a friendly, outgoing, independent girl. You know what that means, right? It's not practically possible for me to have remained "untouched" till now. Yes. That's exactly what most of them think about girls who are capable of standing their ground or are of brash, extrovert, frank nature. Dignity and outgoing nature don't go hand in hand, in this society. That's only a rough outline of the sick attitude I witness all the time.
Women are considered as things most of the times. I am not even exaggerating. Because whistling at women is fun. The idea of teasing is fun. The idea of calling out names is fun. I remember my own friends in college days who would manoeuvre through the navratri ground just waiting for the chance for an occasional boob press by catching a fellow woman garba player off guard amidst the chaos and rush. "Maal", "Item" are words that exist in a day to day language by one and all. The worst expletives include the reference to ones mothers and sisters. Then why the surprise when a few people out there have openly told what can only be passed as the reality of this society. That's how we all think.
Also, very importantly, why only blame men. Is it just their fault that their mentality is rotten beyond repair? Who exactly is a boy most influenced with when he is growing up? His mother. A son respects his mother the most in this world and puts her word above all. So who has the power to instill the best of principles in him? Yes, most of the patriarchal and the "MCP" attitude is also flown down through generations by the women of the family themselves. So let's not become that blind sighted by the outrage everywhere that we forget how we ourselves are responsible for the outcome we face today. If you don't get my point, just for a second out there, imagine a man. Let me tell you his characteristics.
He is gentle, he is soft spoken. Believes in tackling issues sensibly instead of getting all temperamental. Doesn't really participate in his fellow mates' activities like eve teasing or talking dirty about female co-workers or flirting with them. Doesn't use lewd language. Is really calm and compassionate to his wife and doesn't believe in dominating her, treats her very nicely. Believes in equality of men and women and follows it too. Can actually well up when he is emotional and overwhelmed. Willingly lends his hand in house hold work and helps his wife/mother in the same.
What ideas come to your mind about this guy? There will be people, men and women alike, who will call him gay on his face or on his back. (Homo phobia, yet another mind block our society suffers from. More on that, perhaps some other day.) His friends will tell him, "Mard ban". People will make fun of him for being a hen-pecked husband. His family will be worried for him and nag him for being too non-manly. Because real men don't cry. Real men don't listen to girls. Real men do flirt. This mentality. This belief system. It's all around us. Try pointing out an obnoxious behavior by a co-worker in the form of a dirty comment or showcasing filthy mind-set, what do you get the hear the most? "Come on, take it easy, men will be men." And they will say that with that confident smirk on their faces. As if they are reminding you, that in this society, men get to do what they want to do. Even if it means being ridiculous and over the line. That's the way they have been brought up. And women of their families are equally responsible for highlighting that as a fact. Guys are told by their own mothers to keep their wives in control. They are told by their own parents to not learn house hold work because it's not a man's job. They are told to never cry because that's just being sissy.
A soft spoken, non-violent and sweet tempered man is considered abnormal in our society. As if he doesn't fit. Life can be tough for such men. He will be mocked at, made fun of and ridiculed beyond all extents till the time he gives in. And hence, such men don't exist. That's the bifurcation of our society. Men are meant to adopt "Mardaangi" and women are meant to adopt "Maryaada." There. That's the answer.
And I can't point it out enough that both men and women of this society are responsible that this though process exists. I won't ever blame just men for the same.
Reading into what every politician speaks about rape is giving them undue importance. Discussing how a religious preacher (preacher, he ain't a leader) reacted, is making him feel we listened to him. And what are we doing. Every day finding one person or the other to point our fingers at. To blame. And discuss it as a hot topic. I wonder if anyone wants to see the naked truth of this problem. The devil resides inside all of us. We're all infected. Every little fragment of our society needs repairing. And although the other things might get fixed if persisted upon a lot, this aspect won't get repaired no matter how many laws you implement.
That's why this commotion frustrates me. Sitting on your work stations, sharing pictures, news links and doing absolutely nothing at all about the real problems. Having heated arguments. And at the end of the day, going back to your homes and thinking on the same lines you thought on yesterday is basically, doing NOTHING.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
These are strange, volatile times. Women have almost started to believe that men are born rapists. If they aren't leering at you, molesting you, groping you or raping you, it's just them suppressing their natural instinct. That instinct will come alive at the slightest of provocation. Men are being forced to prove their open attitude else be categorized as one of "them". Yes, the reason I was aware of that man's intentions on the road last night was that my mind told me to be on my guards even when I am walking down a busy road, because there will be men there too. The times for women to feel unsafe all the time, and men to be ashamed of themselves. These are not good times.
5 comments:
All this for sure is not good. Won't comment much, however if any man's doing this, he musn't forget that he was born 'coz a lady gave him birth. Equal respect is the key and it's high time, anyone thinking this as passion, mardangi, class and time pass - wakes up. Actions are needed and not just talks. Which is such a waste of breadth and energy
Point well made SS.
I hope in coming years and generations we see the change happening in mindset of people.
And I Hope sense of equality, security and respect for all pervails for long run.
And above all value for human life in our country is understood across all level.
- Abhi
Equality in gender,respect is two important terms that are missing in todays life...Humanity is missing in todays world...Men should understand that women are not their Sex objects...We as young and future generation of India should help our country to have a broaden mentality..
Thank you Amit, Abhinav and Tara. Your feedback and views are really appreciated.
India as a society is growing. If we look back at our history, we realise that we are in a transition phase. The way we think, do things, see opposite gender, every single thing is changing. And as you rightly said each one of us are responsible and thus onus lies on each of us in some or other way. The transition will take time, maybe 100-200 years, maybe more, but it will surely happen. The people and time will make it happen.
And, once again you brought it out so well. :-)
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