Single, are you?

Once you reach the late twenties, the only concern that the world around you starts to have is seeing you married. I get the question, "Why still single?" all the time. Initially I would go all the way being sensible about my response coming up with meaningful replies like "The hunt is on" or "Yeah, the moment the right guy comes along, marriage won't take time." Slowly, you get bored. The responses go to the careless "No idea" or "Not in the mood to leave singlehood". Then sometimes the irritations sets in. The responses can go from "Because I don't give a tiny rat's ass" all the way to "why don't you find someone for me...try finding a NICE guy...try it, I DARE YA!". (Just for the record, I reached the irritated stage 3 months back. These days more often than not I land in a murderous mood when such talks happen. If you have to talk on these lines, make sure you maintain 10 meters of distance between you and me.)

Sometimes I am even worse. That's when I say the truth as my replies to the question "28 and still single?". The unlucky ones have been on the receiving end of statements like:

- "Just because you settled doesn't mean everyone should."
- "I wanted to get married but then I saw what your marriage was like. Frightening stuff."
- "You're 90 and you ain't dead. Sometimes the inevitable takes time to happen. Let's roll with it."

If you're 28 and unmarried, everyone around is stereotyping you. I can see it with people pouring in the "Awwww...you'll find someone." "Yeah, high time for you ya". People would call you  'ambitious' which is just a better word for 'selfish' in their heads. That's not all, there are always relatives who are trying to tell your parents how letting their "daughter" pursue her dreams and career wasn't the best of the ideas. (It happens. Seriously.)

I guess I am in some pitiable state in life and everyone wants to help. My well wishers have sorted that reason out for me too. Apparently, I have very high expectations, I am difficult to please and, my personality intimidate men. People who know the real me, I know you guys have a smirk of amusement on your faces as you read this. :)

Do I love the fact that I am single? Not exactly. Who wouldn't want a companion to share your life with at this stage? I would like to have one too. On the other hand, do I consider myself unlucky or unfulfilled just because I am single. Again, not exactly. Having a stable career, absolute independence, and control on my own life is quite a fulfilling experience in its own way. Those who haven't experienced it will not understand it. 

The deal is simple, this isn't a race. Can't push people to rush into things. My marital status shouldn't define who I am or determine how happy I am. Yes, life of a single person can be tough at times. But then so is the life of a married person. We singles don't tell you guys to get divorced every time you fight with your partner or have arguments with your in laws. The same law applies to the other side of this coin. We all have our own lot to deal with. All we can do is...deal with it. 

Peace. :)

Heartbreak

Life has been good, after you left.

There hasn't been a heartbreak after you left.

There were a few who came along. Talked and cared and one day they left.

But they couldn't really disappoint me, for I had no expectations left.

Nothing got broken, for the pieces barely had any form left.

So yeah, life has been good after you left.

There hasn't been a heart break...
There hasn't been love, either...after you left.

Almost 28 years of being around...

Two more days and I shall be completing 28 years of being born. This year, I want to have a wish list for my birthday. For what I want my life to be like in the coming years. At least a couple of years. Because I am sure, two years down the line, I will be posting a note titled: "It's all downhill from here. :( " 

Will cross that depressing bridge when it comes. As of today, there isn't just one wish that I will make when blowing the candles on my birthday cake on August 21. :) I know someone up there loves me, and as they say, all you have to do is ask. So here it goes!

Putting my interests first.

• I need to understand that my own interests deserve to be taken care of as much as others'. I wish I can do that and gift myself a better life. 

Pleasant surprises.

• I wished for life to surprise me a lot last time. I need to be more specific. I wish life throws some pleasant surprises my way. 

I wish the losers stop finding me.

• Yes, God was watching a cheesy chick flick when he was working on the ideas around my love life. And yes, He snoozed around the part where the lady finds her Mr. Right after dealing with a string of wrong ones. I shall cut Him some slack and make my peace with the fact that the Mr. Right for me doesn't exist to be found. But then, I want the idiots to stop happening to me. I can do without them. So God, be cool. No more sending the stinkers my way. 

Dance, music, life.

• Listening to soundtracks that take me to another world, singing the songs close to my heart, learning various dance forms, or just getting up and dancing all my problems away to my favorite songs. I wish this passion and the spirit continues. 

Words, expressions, feelings. 

• Be it coming across beautifully written words that change my world in a moment or finding the right ones to express myself when I need them the most, I hope words continue being my close friends as always.

Meet new people.

• I wish I can keep meeting new people all the time who keep bringing fresh perspectives and newer horizons for my thoughts to grow.

Closures.

• I want answers. And I want closures. 

The last point also gives a closure to this list. I hope for good times ahead. :)

Words.

I am a person of words. I am the most expressive person you might ever come across. My friends, my family members, or simply people I grow even a little fond of, know this. I express. Even when in my most basic elements, I am the one who always has  the most appropriate things to say. I never fail words. Words never fail me.

And yet, I have this strange relationship with expressions and words where I feel they restrict me and my universe. Every time I tried telling it out, using words...to someone, I knew it got a little artificial. I molded the words for someone else.  Knowing that someone else is going to read or listen to those words or expressions, I did restructure it multiple times in my head. It's a transaction, at the end. That's why, it's not completely honest.

Your real feelings aren't reflected in the spoken words, the expressed feelings and the public posts. If you want to check what you've really wanted to say, or have wished for...go and read those email drafts that you never finished, those posts you never published, those messages you never sent, those letters you never posted. Those are the things you actually wanted from life. Those are the times when you felt so overwhelmed with emotions and their resulting effects, that it scared you. Words failed you every time you felt the strongest of emotions. Your real life story lies there, hidden in between those unspoken lines.

Few of us out there experienced the magic where the stuff they couldn't muster the courage to speak out, got heard or understood. I have come to know of a few fairy tales. I think, they are extremely lucky souls. I hear they are very happy.

Being a a poet is not a hobby. It's not something you pursue for passing away your time. You don't play with words so that they rhyme and look fancy. You don't make up lines to get an audience. Unlike any other art, being a writer or rather a poet, is just not in your hands.

Being a poet is a condition. A very serious one at that. 

Watch as it leaves

When you have something very precious, something beyond you ever imagined you could have, you want to keep it. Not being able to imagine yourself without it, you become possessive, insecure, vulnerable and protective. You put in a lot of efforts and never  feel how much of yourself you're giving away to let that thing stay in your life.

Till the time, of course when it starts to feel that you're trying too hard to keep it in your life. This moment, decides it all. This is where you realize all of your efforts are just to delay that "exit" a bit longer. It's going to happen anyway.

Same as holding sand in your fist. The more you try to hold it tight in that fist, the more it slips away. Because it was never meant to stay in your hands forever. You took it from the grounds and tried holding it in your fist. It's not that little amount of sand's mistake that it wants to slip away.

Decide whether you want to let it go yourself, or want to wait till it slips from in between your fingers.

Sometimes it feels life is nothing but a struggle to learn the art of letting go.

On that big black dot.

I was walking down the street just below my apartment last evening. When I spotted a cyclist, a guy aged around 32-34 speeding fast on the road, towards me. A few seconds before he could pass by me, I noticed he extended his left hand. Yes. My common sense told me he was planning to touch me and then flee from the scene in a jiffy before I could gather what happened to  me. So before he reached me, I ducked. He was taken  by surprise and tried harder to reach me, slowed down, drifted off balance a little and even called out a filthy word for me. That was more than I could take. In an impulse reaction I punched his body, that very second. He fell off his cycle. I reached him and kicked him once more right in his tummy. With super pointed, high heels. He yelled out in pain. All of this happened within 15-20 seconds I think. The auto drivers who were standing there gathered around me.  He started apologizing. The auto drivers started beating him up. And calling names in return. I actually left the scene without letting anyone know. Somehow I was okay about having punched him and kicked him for the brazen attempt of his. People  might not like it that I didn't call the police, specially with the way everyone just wants to hang anyone who dares to touch a woman. But somehow I just didn't feel the need at that  moment. I don't say he might never repeat the incident with someone else. But he did learn a lesson that he can't always get away with doing something like this. A girl can actually turn back and injure him. (And that high, pointed heels aren't just the objects that makes me look like a doll. They can inflict real pain.)

I was just walking down a street, on my way home, without a guy next to me, in my office attire, at around 8 pm on a busy Mumbai street. I didn't provoke him. He went for the sport and fun anyway. 

This incident did provoke me though. It made me want to finally vent out. Because the scenario frustrates me.  This hue and cry around the "treatment towards women". I am fed up of listening to news channels creating hype around it. I totally understand the fury of those women out there who are protesting, though. I know they want to express their frustration in their own way, perhaps. That barbarian crime was beyond anything I could imagine happening to a person. It triggered reactions. And the law and order set up needs to be challenged. Government needs to be woken up. It required revolts and questions. But in totality, whatever is happening today, the blame games, the observation on which politician said what about rape, I feel it's only creating more noise, nothing else. It frustrates me. I can explain why.  

In my journey till date as a woman, I have come face to face with the mentality that shapes this patriarchal society. Found people who believed education ruins women. They should just be married off at an early age so that they can they can stay "controlled". I also met a guy, a so called educated guy who told me once how it wasn't okay with him that his present girl friend had had a relationship earlier in life whereas he never had any. And you know, it's actually opposing the norms of the society where in fact it's okay if the guy has a relationship history, but a woman generally is judged if she does. I remember the time when my class mates started rumors about my ass-licking (and other) abilities, when I topped my class. Because you know, that's the only explanation for a woman being a topper. I have faced times when I was judged because I sat with a few friends of mine in a restaurant who ordered alcohol for themselves. THEY had alcohol. I didn't. I just sat with them, that too for 15-20 minutes. Because I had to wait for another friend of mine to go shopping with. And I felt it was better to wait in a restaurant with my other friends instead of waiting outside all alone. There was an uproar around this episode in my circle. I was suddenly the "wrong" type. A woman who didn't mind spending 20 minutes with guys who were her friends,  and were having alcohol in a restaurant in broad day light. I am a friendly, outgoing, independent girl. You know what that means, right? It's not practically possible for me to have remained "untouched" till now. Yes. That's exactly what most of them think about girls who are capable of standing their ground or are of brash, extrovert, frank nature. Dignity and outgoing nature don't go hand in hand, in this society. That's only a rough outline of the sick attitude I witness all the time. 

Women are considered as things most of the times. I am not even exaggerating. Because whistling at women is fun. The idea of teasing is fun. The idea of calling out names is fun. I remember my own friends in college days who would manoeuvre through the navratri ground just waiting for the chance for an occasional boob press by catching a fellow woman garba player off guard amidst the chaos and rush. "Maal", "Item" are words that exist in a day to day language by one and all. The worst expletives include the reference to ones mothers and sisters. Then why the surprise when a few people out there have openly told what can only be passed as the reality of this society. That's how we all think. 

Also, very importantly, why only blame men. Is it just their fault that their mentality is rotten beyond repair? Who exactly is a boy most influenced with when he is growing up? His mother. A son respects his mother the most in this world and puts her word above all. So who has the power to instill the best of principles in him? Yes, most of the patriarchal and the "MCP" attitude is also flown down through generations by the women of the family themselves. So let's not become that blind sighted by the outrage everywhere that we forget how we ourselves are responsible for the outcome we face today. If you don't get my point, just for a second out there, imagine a man. Let me tell you his characteristics. 

He is gentle, he is soft spoken. Believes in tackling issues sensibly instead of getting all temperamental. Doesn't really participate in his fellow mates' activities like eve teasing or talking dirty about female co-workers or flirting with them. Doesn't use lewd language. Is really calm and compassionate to his wife and doesn't believe in dominating her, treats her very nicely. Believes in equality of men and women and follows it too. Can actually well up when he is emotional and overwhelmed. Willingly lends his hand in house hold work and helps his wife/mother in the same. 

What ideas come to your mind about this guy? There will be people, men and women alike, who will call him gay on his face or on his back. (Homo phobia, yet another mind block our society suffers from. More on that, perhaps some other day.) His friends will tell him, "Mard ban". People will make fun of him for being a hen-pecked husband. His family will be worried for him and nag him for being too non-manly. Because real men don't cry. Real men don't listen to girls. Real men do flirt. This mentality. This belief system. It's all around us. Try pointing out an obnoxious behavior by a co-worker in the form of a dirty comment or showcasing filthy mind-set, what do you get the hear the most? "Come on, take it easy, men will be men." And they will say that with that confident smirk on their faces. As if they are reminding you, that in this society, men get to do what they want to do. Even if it means being ridiculous and over the line. That's the way they have been brought up. And women of their families are equally responsible for highlighting that as a fact. Guys are told by their own mothers to keep their wives in control. They are told by their own parents to not learn house hold work because it's not a man's job. They are told to never cry because that's just being sissy. 

A soft spoken, non-violent and sweet tempered man is considered abnormal in our society. As if he doesn't fit. Life can be tough for such men. He will be mocked at, made fun of and ridiculed beyond all extents till the time he gives in. And hence, such men don't exist. That's the bifurcation of our society. Men are meant to adopt "Mardaangi" and women are meant to adopt "Maryaada." There. That's the answer. 

And I can't point it out enough that both men and women of this society are responsible that this though process exists. I won't ever blame just men for the same. 

Reading into what every politician speaks about rape is giving them undue importance. Discussing how a religious preacher (preacher, he ain't a leader) reacted, is making him feel we listened to him. And what are we doing. Every day finding one person or the other to point our fingers at. To blame. And discuss it as a hot topic. I wonder if anyone wants to see the naked truth of this problem. The devil resides inside all of us. We're all infected. Every little fragment of our society needs repairing. And although the other things might get fixed if persisted upon a lot, this aspect won't get repaired no matter how many laws you implement.
That's why this commotion frustrates me. Sitting on your work stations, sharing pictures, news links and doing absolutely nothing at all about the real problems. Having heated arguments. And at the end of the day, going back to your homes and thinking on the same lines you thought on yesterday is basically, doing NOTHING.
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These are strange, volatile times. Women have almost started to believe that men are born rapists. If they aren't leering at you, molesting you, groping you or raping you, it's just them suppressing their natural instinct. That instinct will come alive at the slightest of provocation. Men are being forced to prove their open attitude else be categorized as one of "them". Yes, the reason I was aware of that man's intentions on the road last night was that my mind told me to be on my guards even when I am walking down a busy road, because there will be men there too. The times for women to feel unsafe all the time, and men to be ashamed of themselves. These are not good times.