Mid - way out

Too much being spoken is a problem for you

Nothing being expressed troubles me...

We find a mid way out perhaps -

Keep it subtle as long as it be!

Wondering...

Too many thoughts seldom talked about, too many things never resolved,

Too many emotions hardly expressed and too many feelings, which died untold!

Just wondering how every single heart carries so many things unsaid within.

How we learn to let go of things, without letting those thoughts sink in…

Unfair!

They always say, ‘life is full of chances’, however I refuse to agree…

I refuse to believe that in this world every soul could be this free!

Listless souls around me are just waiting for that one beautiful turn…

I see them haplessly hoping to find it before they finally crash and burn!

It’s not only the wait that kills them; it is the hopelessness that makes them hollow…

They crumble into pieces slowly with life’s shocks and betrayals that follow!

I wonder if there is anything I can do beyond cursing life for their despair...

I wish I could tell them not too hope so much, because really, life is not always fair!

Zilch!

So many thoughts in mind…everything unsaid,

This feeling is different as I go completely blank,

I don’t know what comes next as it’s tough to think anymore,

All I do is to hope something comes along as I sit back and wait!

This one will take a long long time...

I really don't know what am I doing writing anything here. It would never make sense. Anything is not making any sense to me right now...

I have never been this hurt and this sad earlier.

Don't know how and when will I get out of this one. Doesn't seem it will happen anytime soon.

Anyway, no meaning writing anything here. Just felt like telling some one about it. So what if it's just a blog that no one reads.

Going for now. Don't know when will be back.

It's not easy!

As the new year begins...

Well, I am new to this. I don't generally plan so much for my life. And I definitely don't write them down like this. But then, as you would read along, this year it's all about bringing changes in me.

I have lived my life in a very smooth and safe way. Not that I didn't make decisions that I repented or gave second thoughts to, but I surely chose the safer way out. I am so not the adventurous sorts.

However, this year, is going to be different. It is going to bring along a lot of changes in me and my life. I have decided on a few things that I will be incorporate in my life. Well, a lot of different stuff than the usual predictable me!

First thing first, I have decided to simply refuse to let others affect me. I know someone who knows me way too well is have a smirk of disbelief as he reads this...but it's true. Now that I am 24, I already know all those who matter to me and whom I matter a lot to. My life is going to about. And nobody else is going to be allowed in the territory that I have built for myself with so much perseverance.

This means, the only people I will be worried about from now on are going to be those selective loving and caring ones in my life! My family, my closest pals and I guess that's it! Apart from them, I am not concerned. Had some big disappointments from people I tried getting involved with out of social concerns with last year. Not going to let that happen again.

This decision of mine has led me to another similar one. This year, I will be a bit more selfish. Sounds bad, I know but then, I have been too understanding and selfless to few people only to see them simply not valuing what they were getting. So again, the understanding, nice and giving Suruchi is only accessible to those 5-6 people I care for. Others, all are in for my other facet which will only be harmful for their health so they better stay out of my way. ;)

This year, is going to be different in terms of my independence and pride. I am getting it back. I had lost my self confidence for some time owing to some really adverse circumstances. Today, thanking the Almighty, I have it back. I have my independence, I have a loving family's support and I have lots of love and care in my life. Which means I have nothing more to worry about. Life is GOOD! :)

This year is going to bring about the most important phase of my life. It is going to decide the course my life takes on the personal front. As we will enter the inevitable discussions of love, family and life, all I want to do is pray and hope things fall in place at least by the end of 2010. As it seems right now, the year is not going to be a smooth one in that context! But I am ready and THAT is nice!

Another small decision, I am going to do away with whiners from my life. Enough of playing an agony aunt, I have learned that self pity is the worst form of pity and if someone is going overboard with it, I am better off without them. Phew! This one is going to take a lot of conviction from me, I know. But then, I will try really hard.

Coming to a very crucial decision. From today onwards, I promise to take care of myself. I know, sounds stupid, but it's true. I don't take care of myself. The food I eat, the lifestyle I live has affected me in a very bad way. Not just that, I am going to take care of my looks, my skin and get rid of all problems associated with them. Enough of discomforts, it's time to live life in a better way! It's going to be healthier from now on. I don't care about my weight, but I am going to take care of my body!

So this brings me to almost all of my big and small decisions I took recently. I am deliberately not calling them resolutions, because I don't want them to get broken! They are my decisions and I want to abide by them.

Big plans I know, but surely doable. I am only trying to bring back my original me to shape. The person I have become is not truly me. Circumstances affected me way too much. Just going to get rid of those unnecessary problems and shedding the waste out of my life!

May this year bring peace to our lives, and to the world!

P.S. Well to start blogging is my New Year Resolution. So it is bound to break anytime! ;)

Love etc.

As I live my life, soaking up to your endless love for me,

I realize being in love is not at all like what I have heard, or seen..

And then I close my eyes, I see your face, and I smile as the simple truth dawns upon me..

This is one feeling perhaps no words could ever explain!

In this world of Yash Raj's and Karan Johars it's difficult not the have fixed notions about this concept called: 'Falling in love'. I myself have been a victim of all those romantic mental blocks and preconceived thought processes regarding what should love be like. Damn! For all I know, I would like to sue those directors forming such opinions about this feeling for depriving people of coming close to the real feeling!

And no...being in love is not at all about niceties, looking at each other for hours, watching the sunset together, or rather in today's world, uploading ultra romantic status messages on portals (Obviously copied and pasted from those endless number of sites offering the ultimate verbosity and shortcuts for displaying your emotions!) and of course uploading photographs of yourself with your companion so that the world finally knows you have someone in your life!

Not exaggerating, I have come across such terminally bugging cases too many times lately not to feel this generic tendency that love is all about shouting at the top of your voice only so that every one and anyone knows about your status!

For me, love has been silent. Love in my life came when I was least expecting it. I was going through a heart break. And didn't believe if love really means something. For all I cared I wanted to get back at that one guy I thought I "loved" and smash his face into pulp when I see him. Obviously, it couldn't be love.

Love happened when I was so not waiting for Mr. Right to come along! I never realized when he did! One fine day, I just woke up and it struck me that there is someone I have been caring about 24*7 without knowing for a very long time now and that he has been silently there for me wherever and however I was. It was a feeling where I just wanted him to know he is special and the way I felt for him. Without giving it a second thought, I told him.

And my life has been beautiful since then. 65 percent of people in my life still don't know about his existence. And amongst those who know about it, I wonder if anyone knows what we are really like when we are together. But then again, going by current standards of measuring your level of love in terms of niceties exchanged on facebook and otherwise, I better not try and tell them what he is for me. :)

When I think of him, I don't feel any rush of emotions. I don't blush or smile or get lost in his thoughts for hours. I am myself! But then his thoughts bring this warmth along with them that envelopes my mind and soul. Give me the toughest of times and I can sail through just because I know at the end of the day the one who matters the most is still with me! His thoughts give me strength and a strange feeling of belonging to him. Honestly, the way I feel around him is the way I feel when I am with my family. Warm, protected and blissfully happy.

In my quest for knowing what 'Love' is all about, I realized, you really stop caring when something this pure strikes you. You don't want to know, categorize or benchmark it anymore. It's there. For you to feel! When 'Love' obliges you, you simply feel at peace.

As I bask in this feeling today, I can't stop thanking God and I can't stop smiling.