Zilch!

So many thoughts in mind…everything unsaid,

This feeling is different as I go completely blank,

I don’t know what comes next as it’s tough to think anymore,

All I do is to hope something comes along as I sit back and wait!

This one will take a long long time...

I really don't know what am I doing writing anything here. It would never make sense. Anything is not making any sense to me right now...

I have never been this hurt and this sad earlier.

Don't know how and when will I get out of this one. Doesn't seem it will happen anytime soon.

Anyway, no meaning writing anything here. Just felt like telling some one about it. So what if it's just a blog that no one reads.

Going for now. Don't know when will be back.

It's not easy!

As the new year begins...

Well, I am new to this. I don't generally plan so much for my life. And I definitely don't write them down like this. But then, as you would read along, this year it's all about bringing changes in me.

I have lived my life in a very smooth and safe way. Not that I didn't make decisions that I repented or gave second thoughts to, but I surely chose the safer way out. I am so not the adventurous sorts.

However, this year, is going to be different. It is going to bring along a lot of changes in me and my life. I have decided on a few things that I will be incorporate in my life. Well, a lot of different stuff than the usual predictable me!

First thing first, I have decided to simply refuse to let others affect me. I know someone who knows me way too well is have a smirk of disbelief as he reads this...but it's true. Now that I am 24, I already know all those who matter to me and whom I matter a lot to. My life is going to about. And nobody else is going to be allowed in the territory that I have built for myself with so much perseverance.

This means, the only people I will be worried about from now on are going to be those selective loving and caring ones in my life! My family, my closest pals and I guess that's it! Apart from them, I am not concerned. Had some big disappointments from people I tried getting involved with out of social concerns with last year. Not going to let that happen again.

This decision of mine has led me to another similar one. This year, I will be a bit more selfish. Sounds bad, I know but then, I have been too understanding and selfless to few people only to see them simply not valuing what they were getting. So again, the understanding, nice and giving Suruchi is only accessible to those 5-6 people I care for. Others, all are in for my other facet which will only be harmful for their health so they better stay out of my way. ;)

This year, is going to be different in terms of my independence and pride. I am getting it back. I had lost my self confidence for some time owing to some really adverse circumstances. Today, thanking the Almighty, I have it back. I have my independence, I have a loving family's support and I have lots of love and care in my life. Which means I have nothing more to worry about. Life is GOOD! :)

This year is going to bring about the most important phase of my life. It is going to decide the course my life takes on the personal front. As we will enter the inevitable discussions of love, family and life, all I want to do is pray and hope things fall in place at least by the end of 2010. As it seems right now, the year is not going to be a smooth one in that context! But I am ready and THAT is nice!

Another small decision, I am going to do away with whiners from my life. Enough of playing an agony aunt, I have learned that self pity is the worst form of pity and if someone is going overboard with it, I am better off without them. Phew! This one is going to take a lot of conviction from me, I know. But then, I will try really hard.

Coming to a very crucial decision. From today onwards, I promise to take care of myself. I know, sounds stupid, but it's true. I don't take care of myself. The food I eat, the lifestyle I live has affected me in a very bad way. Not just that, I am going to take care of my looks, my skin and get rid of all problems associated with them. Enough of discomforts, it's time to live life in a better way! It's going to be healthier from now on. I don't care about my weight, but I am going to take care of my body!

So this brings me to almost all of my big and small decisions I took recently. I am deliberately not calling them resolutions, because I don't want them to get broken! They are my decisions and I want to abide by them.

Big plans I know, but surely doable. I am only trying to bring back my original me to shape. The person I have become is not truly me. Circumstances affected me way too much. Just going to get rid of those unnecessary problems and shedding the waste out of my life!

May this year bring peace to our lives, and to the world!

P.S. Well to start blogging is my New Year Resolution. So it is bound to break anytime! ;)

Love etc.

As I live my life, soaking up to your endless love for me,

I realize being in love is not at all like what I have heard, or seen..

And then I close my eyes, I see your face, and I smile as the simple truth dawns upon me..

This is one feeling perhaps no words could ever explain!

In this world of Yash Raj's and Karan Johars it's difficult not the have fixed notions about this concept called: 'Falling in love'. I myself have been a victim of all those romantic mental blocks and preconceived thought processes regarding what should love be like. Damn! For all I know, I would like to sue those directors forming such opinions about this feeling for depriving people of coming close to the real feeling!

And no...being in love is not at all about niceties, looking at each other for hours, watching the sunset together, or rather in today's world, uploading ultra romantic status messages on portals (Obviously copied and pasted from those endless number of sites offering the ultimate verbosity and shortcuts for displaying your emotions!) and of course uploading photographs of yourself with your companion so that the world finally knows you have someone in your life!

Not exaggerating, I have come across such terminally bugging cases too many times lately not to feel this generic tendency that love is all about shouting at the top of your voice only so that every one and anyone knows about your status!

For me, love has been silent. Love in my life came when I was least expecting it. I was going through a heart break. And didn't believe if love really means something. For all I cared I wanted to get back at that one guy I thought I "loved" and smash his face into pulp when I see him. Obviously, it couldn't be love.

Love happened when I was so not waiting for Mr. Right to come along! I never realized when he did! One fine day, I just woke up and it struck me that there is someone I have been caring about 24*7 without knowing for a very long time now and that he has been silently there for me wherever and however I was. It was a feeling where I just wanted him to know he is special and the way I felt for him. Without giving it a second thought, I told him.

And my life has been beautiful since then. 65 percent of people in my life still don't know about his existence. And amongst those who know about it, I wonder if anyone knows what we are really like when we are together. But then again, going by current standards of measuring your level of love in terms of niceties exchanged on facebook and otherwise, I better not try and tell them what he is for me. :)

When I think of him, I don't feel any rush of emotions. I don't blush or smile or get lost in his thoughts for hours. I am myself! But then his thoughts bring this warmth along with them that envelopes my mind and soul. Give me the toughest of times and I can sail through just because I know at the end of the day the one who matters the most is still with me! His thoughts give me strength and a strange feeling of belonging to him. Honestly, the way I feel around him is the way I feel when I am with my family. Warm, protected and blissfully happy.

In my quest for knowing what 'Love' is all about, I realized, you really stop caring when something this pure strikes you. You don't want to know, categorize or benchmark it anymore. It's there. For you to feel! When 'Love' obliges you, you simply feel at peace.

As I bask in this feeling today, I can't stop thanking God and I can't stop smiling.

Relevance of Gandhian values in today's world.

Well..guys..the topic of this post of mine is going to make u avoid it right away..but then this is the essay that i wrote in my PG college..on the occassion of Gandhi jayanti..this essay though being different in its approach towards Gandhiasm, won the prize..posting it here..just for the sake of it being saved somewhere..still if you all manage to go through it..your views are welcome!!!


Relevance of Gandhian Values in today’s world.

“De di humein azadi bina khadg bina dhal;
Sabarmati ke sant tune kar diya kamaal”

Gandhian value system, something that stirred the entire nation at one point of time and ignited a revolution, a revolution, that took the whole of the nation in its stride and lasted till the victory was ours. The value system which gave the nation the ideals of Satya, Ahimsa, Satyagraha paved way to people’s heart and resulted in a never before nationwide unrest. We are still awed by the uniqueness his principled approach. Gandhiji practiced and preached “Satya”, which compelled us not to withstand a lie. It taught us to stand for ourselves. He preached “Sayagraha” and in fact rallied a disparate mass of people with him all over the country. He taught “Ahimsa”, which asked us to show another cheek to be slapped on if we get slapped once. He endorsed simple living high principled thinking.

So, are these Gandhian values relevant today? What a cliché! When the minds of the people everywhere are contemplating whether “Gandhigiri” is a phenomenon worth sustaining, lets face this much pondered upon question in the wake of today’s realities.

Gandhiji propounded peace, tolerance, self -control, and communal harmony. Nonetheless in the ever- growing menace of international terrorism, religious wars, ethnic cleansing and genocides, these values are of immense relevance. One has to stand for peace and interdependence of human beings if one wants to survive as a human race.

Now, lets see a very simple yet convincing side of the story. Today we can’t survive without having a defence back up for ourselves. In the times when terrorism is at its barbaric best, a nation can’t simply sit back and watch its people being killed. Here lies our first challenge to the principle of Ahimsa. Shall we keep quiet and let the others kill innocent people just because we believe in Ahimsa?

The next philosophy, truth also might seem to have lost its grounds in today’s modern context. One cannot stand for truth alone when the entire world around is being selfish. In the reigning world of diplomacy and bureaucracy, the one who stands for truth and only truth is destined to lose.

Satyagraha, another philosophy from the Gandhian platter asks us to revolt silently. To protest without being loud, to deny without being violent and to stand for yourself. In modern context,when the nation is infested with underworld dons, and even the police and judicial department are under the scanners of corrupt politicians and big shots, how many silent protests can be assured of being heard?

So,where are we headed? By discussing the apparent non-suitability of Gandhian values in modern conext,do we mean o say they aren’t relevant? No. Here we come to a crucial argument. Let’s look at the same character of Mahatma Gandhi in another perspective. Mahatma Gandhi was not a philosopher. He was a strategist. A genius, who could very well analyze the situation then . He had a dream, a vision and was focused enough to know whom he was fighting with!!!
Gandhiji knew he was standing against the britishers,and hence he strategised accordingly to venture into a movement against them. There were many other freedom fighters who shed their blood in the freedom struggle, the only problem with them was that they were more driven by restlessness. Gandhiji on the other hand took each step in a well defined way and handled it analytically.

When one thinks of Gandhiji’s ideologies as strategically well defined moves one can understand their relevance in today’s modern context. To make things simpler, just imagine the same Gandhiji standing against the three mass murderers of the century: Hitler, Stalin and Mao. We are sure the same principles would have never worked with them. Gandhiji knew he was fighting the British and hence being a visionary genius that he was, he strategically implemented his set of philosophies to fight against them.

We all know how well the concept of Satyagraha worked in cases of Jessica Lal. It worked because it was well executed and had the entire nation’s support. On the other hand the strike called by Medical students went awry and resulted in a void.

Hence in today’s context, we can very well find the same set of principles very much relevant. Just that they have to be moulded according to the present times and its requirements. One doesn’t have to be in charge of the entire nation to follow his footsteps. We all can accept Gandhigiri, given that we understand the requisites of the current times, and act the way Gandhiji did.

Strategically!

Do the right things or do things right??

Well well, it's been a question that has been pondered over again and again, by all of us..and all of us, the so called upcoming managers..should be able to relate to the irony this question poses!!

So..whats your stand...will you do the right things or will you do things in a right way??

What if i decide to do the right thing..someone tell me please..what is right here..and whatever i do ..is it supposed to be right in my perspective or that of this world's??? 'Coz it's very much possible that what i find absolutely right today doesn't fit into the parameters set by people around me..so what's the option i m left out with???

Yeah, doing the things right..which effectively means that whatever endeavor i land myself in..i must be devoted towards it..but again,,if that task is not in lieu with what my mind agrees with, how do i sustain through it with complete dedication??

I have always found myself in these situations of internal conflicts..because i am a free soul and perhaps not used to blindly comply with whatever has been told to me..Myself, being a person of a supremely emotional bent of mind have always followed the path of my own heart!!

Nonetheless, my mind is very much in place and it plays a vital role in my life, but is confined only till i make decisions for the sake of others. When i am there with people, i am indeed controlled by the conscious mind, however, when it comes to me and myself and my life, i love to give into my heart..

I have no idea, whether this is my weakness or strength, but i can proudly claim that this very nature of mine has shown me the best of moments in my life..which i would have been deprived of ,for sure, had it been the other way round.

But then, i know it's not as easy a task, to go against the convention. And that's mainly because you are not the sole in charge of your life. You have your family members, your people, whom you are accountable to, at the end!! And yes, all selfishness kept aside, they are worth every sacrifice, no wonder how much it hurts you!!

Well, i know i have to continue doing the things right..things which i have been told to do..by my family, by my society et al. However ,I hate the idea of losing my own identity just for the sake of others, and yes i will always nurture that little rebel within me..Though i know i can always stop her from raising her voice, she will be there to be seen, one fine day!!!...Well. not necessarily, but just in case.......

Signing off rite now...till i am struck with another sense of self identity..at 5:15 in the morning amidst my end sem papers!!

Ciao!!

The silent me..

It's been long that i have spoken, spoken to anyone around me.
Saw them all going against me, somehow i just let it be!!

I kept quiet when they stopped me going my way.
I silently let them betray me and walk away.

I silently see them finding faults with me, expecting me to change for everyone's sake,
I keep silent when they scornfully despise, every strong decision i take!!

Yes, i do get hurt as they all do, why do they think i m strong??!!
I do feel the need to be loved and cared for, for which we all long!

Who says i have a heart of gold, mind you, i want to be selfish too!!
I want to live my life, to the fullest, like we all do.!!

.... I know i don't need to speak as i wont be understood by them,
they wont ever get to see the real me, and things will always stay the same.

I have happily confined myself within, being always someone else with others..
I have compromised with the times, while the person in me strives and suffers!!!