Love to hate you!

The 2 times I truly feel alive, 
When I love with all I have, and when I hate with all my might! 

As much as I like the spiritual concept of freeing your mind and seeing beyond the obvious to find goodness in this world, I DO believe in the sentiment of hatred. Like Sheldon Cooper, I too believe in having "Mortal enemies". I don't maintain a list on a floppy drive, but yeah, I do have people in my life who I hate, with all my might. 

Most of us believe (or would like to believe) that hatred causes no good. It's love that solves everything. I on the other hand believe, 'hatred' is a perfectly valid sentiment. The feeling of hatred is simply the feeling of love gone wrong. You despise someone because that person disappointed you, broke your trust or hurt your feelings. You end up hating this person because at some point of time, you liked this person for the qualities that he/she couldn't live up to in the end.

Hating/Disliking someone isn't bad. It shows you have a clear understanding of what is acceptable for you and what is not. It builds your character, defines your personality. After all, the people who love me, have taken care of me, and have always stood by me deserve something that is real and exclusive. I would treat them the way I won't treat everyone else. If I just let go and become casual towards those who have mistreated me, how am I doing justice to those who've been nice to me? If I am not bad to anyone, I am being good to no one.  

I too have forgiven and forgotten in life, but have done so when the person has duly apologized. That's when it's only justified to forgive and let bygones be bygones. It's good to build the capacity to forgive those who ask for it, have the bigger heart, perhaps.

But the world isn't the best place to live in and no one wants to be pushed around. Also, just how much have the nice feelings like love, beauty, serenity or peace really changed the course of your life? Have you ever experienced the drive to go beyond your comfort zones, fight all the adversities and, stretch your limits when you're in that blissful state of mind with life full of love and trust and beauty?

On the other hand think of the times when you forced yourself to work harder because these dark feelings overpowered your senses. More often than not the drive to prove yourself, the rush to succeed, the burning desire to reach beyond all heights somehow come from the feelings like hate, dejection, disappointment, or betrayal. Even if it comes in the form of overcompensation, you do end up doing the impossible. Had you just 'let go' of the hurt or never felt a thing against those people or situation that were so brutal towards you, nothing would have driven you. 

Now, there might be people who would think that we must in fact be thankful to the ones who harmed us because that drove us towards excellence or success. Why thank them? It was my discretion that made me choose to focus on myself instead of focusing on planning how to murder them. So anyone who hurt me ever and wants the credit for making me a better person, the only message for you is "You, sir/miss, are an asshole". 

Hold some grudge, burn a few bridges, let there be unfinished businesses, let yourself feel a little unsettled and unfulfilled in life. All of these bring out the evil in you, yes but as it goes, it's not as bad to embrace your dark side. ;)

Single, are you?

Once you reach the late twenties, the only concern that the world around you starts to have is seeing you married. I get the question, "Why still single?" all the time. Initially I would go all the way being sensible about my response coming up with meaningful replies like "The hunt is on" or "Yeah, the moment the right guy comes along, marriage won't take time." Slowly, you get bored. The responses go to the careless "No idea" or "Not in the mood to leave singlehood". Then sometimes the irritations sets in. The responses can go from "Because I don't give a tiny rat's ass" all the way to "why don't you find someone for me...try finding a NICE guy...try it, I DARE YA!". (Just for the record, I reached the irritated stage 3 months back. These days more often than not I land in a murderous mood when such talks happen. If you have to talk on these lines, make sure you maintain 10 meters of distance between you and me.)

Sometimes I am even worse. That's when I say the truth as my replies to the question "28 and still single?". The unlucky ones have been on the receiving end of statements like:

- "Just because you settled doesn't mean everyone should."
- "I wanted to get married but then I saw what your marriage was like. Frightening stuff."
- "You're 90 and you ain't dead. Sometimes the inevitable takes time to happen. Let's roll with it."

If you're 28 and unmarried, everyone around is stereotyping you. I can see it with people pouring in the "Awwww...you'll find someone." "Yeah, high time for you ya". People would call you  'ambitious' which is just a better word for 'selfish' in their heads. That's not all, there are always relatives who are trying to tell your parents how letting their "daughter" pursue her dreams and career wasn't the best of the ideas. (It happens. Seriously.)

I guess I am in some pitiable state in life and everyone wants to help. My well wishers have sorted that reason out for me too. Apparently, I have very high expectations, I am difficult to please and, my personality intimidate men. People who know the real me, I know you guys have a smirk of amusement on your faces as you read this. :)

Do I love the fact that I am single? Not exactly. Who wouldn't want a companion to share your life with at this stage? I would like to have one too. On the other hand, do I consider myself unlucky or unfulfilled just because I am single. Again, not exactly. Having a stable career, absolute independence, and control on my own life is quite a fulfilling experience in its own way. Those who haven't experienced it will not understand it. 

The deal is simple, this isn't a race. Can't push people to rush into things. My marital status shouldn't define who I am or determine how happy I am. Yes, life of a single person can be tough at times. But then so is the life of a married person. We singles don't tell you guys to get divorced every time you fight with your partner or have arguments with your in laws. The same law applies to the other side of this coin. We all have our own lot to deal with. All we can do is...deal with it. 

Peace. :)

Heartbreak

Life has been good, after you left.

There hasn't been a heartbreak after you left.

There were a few who came along. Talked and cared and one day they left.

But they couldn't really disappoint me, for I had no expectations left.

Nothing got broken, for the pieces barely had any form left.

So yeah, life has been good after you left.

There hasn't been a heart break...
There hasn't been love, either...after you left.

Almost 28 years of being around...

Two more days and I shall be completing 28 years of being born. This year, I want to have a wish list for my birthday. For what I want my life to be like in the coming years. At least a couple of years. Because I am sure, two years down the line, I will be posting a note titled: "It's all downhill from here. :( " 

Will cross that depressing bridge when it comes. As of today, there isn't just one wish that I will make when blowing the candles on my birthday cake on August 21. :) I know someone up there loves me, and as they say, all you have to do is ask. So here it goes!

Putting my interests first.

• I need to understand that my own interests deserve to be taken care of as much as others'. I wish I can do that and gift myself a better life. 

Pleasant surprises.

• I wished for life to surprise me a lot last time. I need to be more specific. I wish life throws some pleasant surprises my way. 

I wish the losers stop finding me.

• Yes, God was watching a cheesy chick flick when he was working on the ideas around my love life. And yes, He snoozed around the part where the lady finds her Mr. Right after dealing with a string of wrong ones. I shall cut Him some slack and make my peace with the fact that the Mr. Right for me doesn't exist to be found. But then, I want the idiots to stop happening to me. I can do without them. So God, be cool. No more sending the stinkers my way. 

Dance, music, life.

• Listening to soundtracks that take me to another world, singing the songs close to my heart, learning various dance forms, or just getting up and dancing all my problems away to my favorite songs. I wish this passion and the spirit continues. 

Words, expressions, feelings. 

• Be it coming across beautifully written words that change my world in a moment or finding the right ones to express myself when I need them the most, I hope words continue being my close friends as always.

Meet new people.

• I wish I can keep meeting new people all the time who keep bringing fresh perspectives and newer horizons for my thoughts to grow.

Closures.

• I want answers. And I want closures. 

The last point also gives a closure to this list. I hope for good times ahead. :)

Words.

I am a person of words. I am the most expressive person you might ever come across. My friends, my family members, or simply people I grow even a little fond of, know this. I express. Even when in my most basic elements, I am the one who always has  the most appropriate things to say. I never fail words. Words never fail me.

And yet, I have this strange relationship with expressions and words where I feel they restrict me and my universe. Every time I tried telling it out, using words...to someone, I knew it got a little artificial. I molded the words for someone else.  Knowing that someone else is going to read or listen to those words or expressions, I did restructure it multiple times in my head. It's a transaction, at the end. That's why, it's not completely honest.

Your real feelings aren't reflected in the spoken words, the expressed feelings and the public posts. If you want to check what you've really wanted to say, or have wished for...go and read those email drafts that you never finished, those posts you never published, those messages you never sent, those letters you never posted. Those are the things you actually wanted from life. Those are the times when you felt so overwhelmed with emotions and their resulting effects, that it scared you. Words failed you every time you felt the strongest of emotions. Your real life story lies there, hidden in between those unspoken lines.

Few of us out there experienced the magic where the stuff they couldn't muster the courage to speak out, got heard or understood. I have come to know of a few fairy tales. I think, they are extremely lucky souls. I hear they are very happy.

Being a a poet is not a hobby. It's not something you pursue for passing away your time. You don't play with words so that they rhyme and look fancy. You don't make up lines to get an audience. Unlike any other art, being a writer or rather a poet, is just not in your hands.

Being a poet is a condition. A very serious one at that. 

Watch as it leaves

When you have something very precious, something beyond you ever imagined you could have, you want to keep it. Not being able to imagine yourself without it, you become possessive, insecure, vulnerable and protective. You put in a lot of efforts and never  feel how much of yourself you're giving away to let that thing stay in your life.

Till the time, of course when it starts to feel that you're trying too hard to keep it in your life. This moment, decides it all. This is where you realize all of your efforts are just to delay that "exit" a bit longer. It's going to happen anyway.

Same as holding sand in your fist. The more you try to hold it tight in that fist, the more it slips away. Because it was never meant to stay in your hands forever. You took it from the grounds and tried holding it in your fist. It's not that little amount of sand's mistake that it wants to slip away.

Decide whether you want to let it go yourself, or want to wait till it slips from in between your fingers.

Sometimes it feels life is nothing but a struggle to learn the art of letting go.